Warning. Topic on suicide.
A patient from the fifth floor of our hospital wards jumped from the window and died instantaneously just two weeks ago. He wanted to go home so bad. He was a Covid patient. He must have had it bad, I thought. No one in the office genuinely emphasized. Most were just curious (myself, included). I mean, he must have been poor and with no family to look after him, he must have lost his will to live a long time ago.
A few days ago, headlines came up about Cheslie Kryst leaping to her death from a high-rise building in Manhattan, New York. I have never heard of this woman until a few days ago. I looked through her Instagram and saw how beautiful her life was. She looked like she had it all together! But as we should know by now, depression is hard to catch until it is too late.
The news struck a cord inside me. If this beautiful, intelligent, successful young woman can decide to finally end all, how much more I, a struggling physician on her first year of residency, can not fall for it?
(This was my thoughts from a few days ago and I have gotten over it, so don’t worry about me.)
These recent events of suicide has been underlined in my brain so deep I had to revive myself from my ill mental state. I have been on SSRIs for a while now for my anxiety, and I can still remember how freeing it was to think about ending my life. The pain was going to vanish, I thought.
Several years later, these thoughts came back to haunt me, especially with this ongoing pandemic crisis. I am in a job that pays well but is killing me inside with the faulty bureaucracy, office politics, and job dissatisfaction. My medical job has apparently turned to become a full-time office job, something which I have not been trained and provides no fulfillment. The academe and training that I sought for is not there. I am currently in ebbing tides with my feelings about quitting however, I have several things to lose if I do.
Do not worry, my dear reader, I have proposed to myself another way to remove myself from this rut. I shall update you again in a few months to see how I fare. In the meantime, I am working on it and hopefully I can put the puzzle pieces together and finally leave this sickening job that is killing me inside.
Resilience is key for now. I cannot take shortcuts as I have people whom I care about and who equally loves me.
I apologize for this ridiculously depressing post, but please know that I am doing better.